There’s a chapter in my book called “Was I a Teacher’s Pet or Was I Just Autistic?” This chapter gets into how I felt like I never had any friends as a youngin’ and latched onto my teachers tightly. I noticed the shift around 3rd grade. I wasn’t into wearing lipgloss or developing crushes on boys and I was ostracized from the girls in my class because of this. We all know how little boys are, so I wasn’t welcome there either.
I also switched schools rather frequently which made it hard to develop close relationships. I felt at every school I went to, everyone else had been born in the same hospital and been friends since the nursery.
When I was in sixth grade I finally felt like I had a solid group of friends and I truly felt on top of the world! …Until I hosted my first ever birthday party with an Around the World theme (I had “Italian” pizza from Papa John’s, homemade soft tacos, and even California roll sushi from Publix) and nobody came. I cried my eyes out on the phone to my aunt who lived an hour away and she drove down to eat cold pizza with me and my 87 siblings. (My sister’s best friend from church’s family also drove on over to celebrate me last minute.) I didn’t host another birthday party until I was 21.
There’s something extremely vulnerable about wanting to curate a space or an event and it not going the way you want it to go. I decided this year that I was going to host the Bob Ross sip and paint party that I always imagined and try to make a little extra buck hosting these gatherings. I hosted three this past winter and spring, and not once did I reach my max capacity (of 7 guests.) I was grateful that the summer heat transforming my apartment into an actual oven gave me an excuse to stop trying to make sip and paints happen. They’re not gonna happen.
Similarly I wanted to host virtual productivity sessions twice a month on Thursdays. I figured virtual events would have a better turnout because houses literally don’t need to be left in order to join and yet the past 3 times I’ve tried to host them nobody has shown up. I gave up in June on trying to host it and was cajoled back into it by my business coach who said I didn’t adequately advertise it. So, when I made a whole post about it that was one of my highest reaching posts all year, I was expecting I’d see some kind of return on the investment of my effort and once again was laid up on zoom all alone.
*Cue routine downward spiral*
I be so ready to throw in the towel at all times. I’m almost grateful that this perceived rejection gives me the excuse to disappear and lick my wounds. Like a dog, I never know when to stop licking and continue to do so until the wound becomes infected. It just occurred to me that maybe I’d be further along in life if I learned to curb the rejection sensitivity and continue to put myself out there with the same intensity every time. Worst case scenario I feel foolish. I get disappointed. Best case scenario? I find my target audience who actually wants to engage with my content because they like what I’m saying. I find my people who need someone to cowork with and would love to join free zoom productivity sessions regularly.
This social media game is truly hell and my particular brand of content I create (the raw emotional mental illness advocate kind) feels like I am bleeding myself out on the world’s stage hoping it’s helpful to someone and getting crickets back. It makes me feel like everything I’m doing and trying to do is all for naught. I’m ashamed to say that I need external validation like I need food to eat. It gives me the energy to keep going.
My rejection sensitivity is giving to others the ability to make me feel important, or that my life’s work has purpose. Maybe it doesn’t have to be purposeful to anyone but me. Maybe I can continue to work on publishing my little blogs and posting my little pictures and reels because it makes me feel like I have a purpose. At the end of the day, if Mental Health Tings does nothing else but save my own life, I think it’s worth it to my family and friends to keep going.
It isn't all for naught boo, even though that may be hard to believe. Your helping yourself and at least one other person (me!). I know it's disappointing to not receive your desired amount of engagement or validation but like you said, you're saving your own life and that's what matters above all else.. you being here!